I am not perfect, I will always be imperfect, but I am much better now
By Idnasirasira - December 05, 2023
Crestwood
Crestwood, a town where life stories bloom, whispers with history amidst ancient structures. Here dwells Rayde, a man shrouded in mystery. Warmth of kindness radiates from his heart, yet beneath it, anger rumbles like distant thunder.
On the wind carries memories, and Rayde becomes a silent witness to the stories embedded in every inch of Crestwood's land. The gentleness of his heart intertwines with the thunder of his rage, creating a harmony that dances amidst the breeze carrying tales and lightning bringing uncertainty.
Rayde's face is etched with lines, a silent testament to the storms that shook his childhood. His father, a living tempest, raged within their home, leaving behind ruins of silence. Rayde, a silent witness to the turmoil in his family's story, absorbed every tremor, every creeping whisper, every roar of anger that pierced his soul.
The legacy of anger from his father, a heavy burden Rayde carries like an unseen shadow. The wrathful gaze of his father, etched in memory, paints the backdrop of Rayde's struggle—a battle against the fury threatening to crumble him. Yet, amidst the shadows of his past, Rayde clings to kindness as a fragile lifeline, determined to defy the destiny carved by the hands of his lineage.
The River
The gentle rustle resonated along the river, its gentle flow forming a melody that echoed through the serene outskirts of Crestwood. Rayde sought solace in the rhythmic current—a rare sanctuary where the burdens of his past momentarily lifted.
Around the river's bend, where the wind caressed the leaves, Rayde was captivated by the presence of the woman. He wasn't just a spectator but felt the growth of life in every ripple of the water, like a flower blooming amidst the ceaseless current. At the calm riverbank, stood a woman with an indescribable charm. Her presence, like sunlight piercing through storm clouds, caught Rayde off guard, seemingly untouched by the shadows haunting his own soul.
The woman turned, her eyes meeting Rayde's with a gaze full of understanding. In that moment, time seemed to stand still, the river's melody hushed as if nature itself acknowledged the meeting of two different worlds.
"Rayde," she whispered, her voice waving like leaves feeling the touch of a cool breeze. "The river is like nature's storyteller, conveying tales unheard by human ears. How do you think it brought us together here?"
He nodded, enchanted by the sincerity in her eyes. In her, he felt an elusive tranquility, a tranquility he yearned to grasp and make his own.
They spoke by the river's edge, words flowing like water mirroring the sky above. Rayde found himself opening up, sharing the silent storms that raged within him. To his surprise, the woman listened without judgment, her presence a healing balm to his turbulent spirit.
As the sun draped itself further, casting a golden glow upon the calm river's surface, Rayde realized their encounter by the water was more than mere chance. It was a meeting that altered the course, a deviation from the solitary path he had tread for so long. In the presence of this mysterious woman, he glimpsed the potential for a different journey—one where kindness could flourish alongside the lingering tempest within.
Unbeknownst to him, the river, a witness to countless stories, chose this day to weave a new chapter into the tapestry of his life.
The Dreams
Every night, Rayde found himself ensnared by the memories of the pivotal encounter by the riverbank. The image of the woman lingered in the corners of his mind—a radiant specter dancing in his thoughts as the world succumbed to darkness.
Under the cloak of night, Rayde retreated into the sanctuary of his own reflections. The moon, his silent confidante, witnessed the silent reverie of a man grappling with the paradox of his own existence. He pondered the woman's words, the tranquility that enveloped him like a second skin, and the inexplicable connection they shared.
In those quiet hours, Rayde's mind became a canvas where the colors of his aspirations painted vivid dreams. He envisioned a life intertwined with hers, a life where kindness and understanding replaced the storms that had long defined him. In the realm of dreams, he walked beside her through sunlit meadows and under the soft glow of moonlit skies.
These dreams, more than mere fantasies, became a refuge—a haven where the burdens of anger and the echoes of his father's wrath were replaced by the gentle touch of the woman's understanding. In the cocoon of the night, Rayde's heart unfolded like the petals of a flower, revealing the fragility of his desires.
As the days turned into weeks, the river of his thoughts flowed ceaselessly, carrying the currents of longing and hope. Rayde, caught in the undertow of his emotions, grappled with the realization that the woman had become a beacon, illuminating a path he never dared to tread.
Little did he know that the river, both witness and guide, had cast its spell, setting in motion a story that transcended the boundaries of waking and dreaming—a story where the convergence of past and present held the promise of a future yet unwritten.
Reunion
One day, as gray clouds overshadowed the skies of Crestwood, and the shadows of his father's anger once again adorned their home, Rayde felt the need to save himself from the threatening storm. With a heavy heart, he made his way to the river, always a place of refuge and restoration for him.
The river, like a loyal friend, welcomed Rayde with soothing ripples. The sun hid behind the clouds, creating a serene atmosphere along the water's edge. Rayde sat by the river, contemplating deeply, seeking solace in the midst of nature's gentleness.
However, this incident brought an unexpected gift. Amidst the lush foliage, Rayde found the mysterious woman he had encountered before. Her gaze remained calm, providing the comfort Rayde needed in these challenging moments.
"Time indeed has its way of bringing us back, doesn't it, Rayde?" she said, her gentle smile akin to sunlight piercing through the cloudy sky. Rayde nodded, comforted by her presence and words.
They sat together by the river, while the water flowed in harmony with Rayde's heartfelt sighs. The mysterious woman, with understanding eyes, listened to Rayde's tales of the storms that lingered in his life. Every word Rayde uttered seemed like a burden lifted from his shoulders, carried away by the faithful river that had witnessed countless stories.
As the sunset approached, Rayde felt something different in his heart. Despite the storm still raging in his home, he carried back the goodness and wisdom he found by the riverbank. The mysterious woman, with her enchanting charm, brought light amid the darkness.
From that day on, the river became a witness to their meaningful meetings. Rayde learned that kindness and understanding could be true companions in facing the storms of life. In the soothing embrace of the river, Rayde discovered the strength to confront the anger that had threatened to destroy him. And in the presence of that mysterious woman, Rayde found a balance between goodness and the storms within him.
A Tense Wait
As the soft whispers of the river echoed in the silent night of Crestwood, Rayde and the mysterious woman exchanged meaningful glances. Unspoken words lingered in the air, and the river seemed to hold its breath in anticipation.
Just as Rayde was about to share more about his tumultuous past, a distant rumble of thunder echoed, and the once calm river began to ripple with unusual intensity. The air felt tense, leaving unspoken questions hanging between them.
The gaze of the mysterious woman hinted at undisclosed secrets, and Rayde felt a magnetic pull toward the mystery she represented. As they sat by the river, a single leaf, carried by the mysterious wind, descended and landed right in front of them.
With a mysterious smile, the woman stood up, her eyes carrying the promise of more revelations. "Rayde," she said, her voice tinged with mystery, "there is a depth in this river that even I haven't fully explored. Our stories are connected, and Crestwood holds more secrets than meets the eye."
As the moon cast its silvery light, the woman extended her hand, inviting Rayde to delve deeper into the unknown. The river continued to murmur softly, as if urging them to follow the winding path towards the untouched territories of their intertwined destiny.
And with that, the night embraced its secrets, leaving Rayde and the mysterious woman standing at the crossroads of uncertainty. The river, always a silent witness, echoed the echoes of their shared stories, giving clues to unwritten chapters awaiting discovery.
To be continued...
In shadows deep, where whispers wove,
A truth profound, a tale of love.
"We accept," it said, with gentle sway,
"The love we think we're due today."
In mirrors of the soul, reflections clear,
Our worth entwined with hopes and fear.
Through self-kissed wounds and scars observed,
Love's script is writ, it's we who've penned each word.
Deserving hearts, in quiet yearn,
For love that lights, for love to learn.
Yet, choices shaped by shadows cast,
Reveal the echoes of our own self's past.
Dare we dream of love untold,
Of worth unmeasured, yet to unfold?
For in the quiet of our self-esteem,
Resides the truth of love's own scheme.
To rise above the doubts that crest,
To seek a love that feels the best.
For in our hands, the power we preserve,
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
"We accept the love we think we deserve" is a quote from Stephen Chbosky's novel "The Perks of Being a Wallflower." This statement reflects the idea that our self-perception and self-worth play a significant role in the kinds of relationships we allow into our lives.
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Bon Voyage
Going through the waves
A shirt wrapped around the bow of a small silver boat dazzled my eyes
I'm leaving everything behind
Impatient for a summer's dream
Don't look for us
Unable to breathe, Even after a long kiss
My fingers shake, they never stop
Between the sky and the sea, a white bird soaring freely
While scared of a world too wide
The black clouds pass to the north
The horizon is after the rain
I'm sure I can see the future when I get there
Dear Future Self,
I'm currently on a remarkable journey, overcoming challenges with unwavering determination. Life has thrown various obstacles my way, but I firmly believe that each difficulty offers a chance to learn and grow. Failures and disappointments have become stepping stones in my path toward becoming a stronger, wiser individual.
Right now, I'm focused on redesigning my life, setting clear goals, and working relentlessly toward them. I know this journey won't be without its challenges, but I've discovered an inner strength that drives me forward.
My goal is to share my story of struggle to inspire others. We all have the potential to rise above adversity and chase our dreams. I'm open to learning from others' experiences, and together, we can become the best versions of ourselves.
Let's take on this journey together, facing each challenge with determination and hope, because I believe the future is full of possibilities. I stand as proof that we can overcome adversity, and together, we will achieve success.
With hope and strength,
Aris Arisandi
Echoes of Longing - A poems from "Can I call you sometime?"
By Idnasirasira - August 24, 2023
In the realm of missing hearts, I stand,
Have you ever missed someone, my friend?
A void within, an ache that's real,
Thoughts of her, an emotion I feel.
Have you ever missed someone, my friend?
A void within, an ache that's real,
Thoughts of her, an emotion I feel.
A solitary path, I often tread,
To anyone else, I can't be led.
In memories, I dwell so deep,
Doing everything for her, I keep.
Regrets sometimes cloud my view,
Our past, a tapestry of shades and hue.
She, not a listener, yet I yearn to share,
Talk of everything, lay my soul bare.
Love lingers still, a flame aglow,
Impossible to let go, this I know.
Without her, life's an intricate chore,
Yearning for her, I can't ignore.
I miss her quirks, her childish glee,
Her imperfections, a symphony.
A confidante I need, a soul to see,
In her presence, I wish to be free.
"Can I call you sometime?" I dared to say,
"Anytime," her words did sway.
But now the line remains untouched,
To respond seems to hurt too much.
I delay, I avoid, messages go unread,
A way to ensure our ties have shred.
For her, perhaps it's best to let go,
Find a brighter path, let her heart grow.
Is this my course, the right decree?
In the night's embrace, I still plea.
Uncertainty lingers, like shadows in night,
Love's complex dance, a continuous fight.
Read the writing here -> Can I call you sometime?
As I feel the weight of exhaustion settle in, a sad question fills my thoughts: "If everyone is tired of me, who will stay with me?" Memories of laughter and closeness now feel distant. Faces that used to smile seem distant now, leaving me feeling alone. This thought hurts, and I wish for someone who won't be tired of me, someone who will stand by my side. The road ahead seems unsure, wrapped in sadness, as I look for that one person who will see past the tiredness and be a true friend.
In a bustling city that thrived on noise and activity, I often found myself lost in the midst of it all, surrounded by the ebb and flow of life. Maybe I'm not a good person, I'd often think to myself, my actions sometimes clashing with the empathy that simmered within me. It was as if there were two sides of me - the exterior that others saw, and the intricate tangle of emotions that remained hidden beneath.
One day, in search of solace, I boarded a train, seeking refuge from the cacophony of the city streets. As the train's rhythmic motion carried me away, I found myself immersed in the sea of faces around me. Each person seemed to carry a world of thoughts, hopes, and worries, and I couldn't help but wonder about the stories etched into their expressions.
I gazed out of the window, the passing landscape a blur as my mind wandered. In this moment, I felt a connection to the strangers around me, united by our shared humanity and the weight we all carried. The chaos of life seemed to fade away, replaced by a quiet camaraderie, an unspoken understanding that life wasn't always as it appeared.
As the journey continued, I realized how similar our struggles were, even though they remained unspoken. The masks we wore hid the battles we fought within, the fears we grappled with, and the hopes we dared to dream. The world was a tapestry of people, each thread representing a different story, a unique journey through life's challenges.
I listened to the silence of the train, the absence of words somehow conveying more than any conversation could. It was a reminder that sometimes, when words fell short, silence could offer solace. And in that silence, a bond formed, connecting us through our shared reticence.
The train took me to distant places, physically distancing me from the noise of my daily life. In that space, I found clarity and perspective. The isolation brought a sense of calm, allowing me to confront the turmoil that had been buried deep within.
I carried a message with me, a reminder to venture far and wide, to explore the corners of my own mind. Loneliness could be a guide, leading me to discover the strength that resided within me. I held onto hope, believing that after every storm, a period of tranquility would follow. Solutions waited patiently to be uncovered, like treasures hidden beneath the surface of my struggles.
The journey taught me to stand firm in the face of life's challenges, to weather the storms that would inevitably arise. It was a process of growth, a transformation into a stronger version of myself. And as the train carried me back to the city, I felt a newfound sense of purpose – to carry my burdens in silence when necessary, to acknowledge the struggles of others, and to find the beauty in our shared humanity.
"This writing is based on what I felt at that moment when I was inside the train."
Jakarta, 19 August 2023
Aris Arisandi
In your presence, I find delight untold,
Even if fleeting, it's a moment of gold.
Your essence brings comfort, warm and true,
In your company, I feel brand new.
The way you speak, your laughter's sweet sound,
Revealing love's magic, profound and profound.
And your smile, a portal to another sphere,
Where joy and serenity always appear.
But alas, I fear this is our goodbye,
Destined paths may lead us to say "Nigh."
Yet, if love's fate binds our souls together,
I'll embrace it wholly, now and forever.
With every beat of my heart, I declare,
The love I hold for you, it's rare and fair.
"When I saw you, you smiled and I loved you.
But when he came to you. My heart is broke."
When I first laid eyes on you, a warm sensation filled my heart as your smile radiated a captivating charm. In that moment, I couldn't help but feel an instant connection, and my affection for you blossomed effortlessly. Your smile, like a gentle ray of sunshine, brightened my day and ignited a spark within me.
However, as time passed, my heart sank when I noticed another person approaching you. It was as if my world turned upside down, and I felt a pang of sadness and disappointment deep within me. I watched from afar as he came into your life, and it seemed like my dreams of being with you shattered before my eyes.
It was a challenging moment for me to witness someone else capturing your attention, but I knew that I had to accept the reality of the situation. Love doesn't always work in our favor, and sometimes we have to come to terms with the fact that the person we adore may find happiness with someone else.
I took a step back and reminded myself that love is not about possessing someone or expecting them to reciprocate our feelings. It is about cherishing the moments we have, regardless of the outcome. While it's natural to feel heartbroken and vulnerable, I understood that I should appreciate the friendship we shared and the memories we created.
Life is filled with unexpected twists and turns, and love is a complex emotion that can both lift us to great heights and challenge us in profound ways. Despite the heartache, I am grateful for the opportunity to have known you and experienced the joy of your presence, even if it was fleeting.
As I reflect on our time together, I choose to embrace the beautiful memories we crafted and learn from this experience. Sometimes, unrequited love teaches us valuable lessons about ourselves and what we truly seek in a partner. It urges us to grow and explore the depths of our emotions.
I believe that everyone we encounter has a purpose in our journey, and though it might not always be apparent at first, every connection leaves an imprint on our souls. It is okay to feel vulnerable and broken-hearted, for these emotions are a testament to the depth of our capacity to love.
Life moves forward, and I know that someday, my heart will heal, and new opportunities will present themselves. Until then, I will carry the fond memories of you and the feelings you inspired, cherishing them as a reminder of the beauty and complexity of love. My heart may be bruised, but it is not defeated.
In the end, I wish you nothing but happiness and fulfillment in your life. Though we may walk separate paths, I'll forever treasure the moments we shared and the way your smile touched my soul. Love is a journey, and I will embrace its uncertainties with an open heart, ready to explore what the future holds.
